Knowing You

Knowing you is knowing me,
Pain creeps in and won't let me be.
The lose I live still follows blind,
thought it would lose itself behind.
The rock I kick crumbles,
time is hard to pass when all the world grumbles.
Firetrucks yell clear as a bell from my bed.
Life is hell because I fell in my head.
Knee's are bleeding but not from pleading.
Laugh off what I lost. I don't say what I let loose.
Self-inflicted for little use.
Close my eyes tight,
see you lying naked in the light.
Knowing you, my memories have won,
dream of yesterday 'til tomorrow's sun.

Anger

Thrash, smash, break, violate. I hate, I hate, I don't hesitate to throw out, throw away, total dismay. My skin boils the more I sit, I want to hit, kick, grab and stab. I'm pissed off. I'm angry. This is me, not passive, not quiet, not nice, not pleasant. I'm wrong, I'm out of place, I'm not giving a fuck. I'm tired of caring and people starring at the man with good morals. Punched the wall until my knuckles bled, scream until my hearing's dead. Take the bat to the tree and start a destruction spree. Kill the humane, choke the righteous, drown the witty, but most of all show no pity. Weak never worked, I'm always hurt and now I'm angry.

Fireworks in September

Fireworks in September change everything about the season, every previous notion. The colors fill my soul with passion. Explosions of red shimmer, light up the darkness with zeal of love and lust. Orange and yellow flares fly by like spontaneous and sporadic pleasures life often reveals when we least expect. Some are staggering but short lived while others blaze across the sky like the longest shooting star. Dark blue bulbs fire off like cannons of dull ache and longing but quickly dissolve into the heavy black canvas. But with every color, emotion, heart break or heart wake, there is a constant sign of light accompanying. The white lights flood the sky with clarity, purity, and possibility like the intensity and brilliance of ignited magnesium.

Though the lights are passing, this clarity is lasting.

Maturing or Disconnecting

Today I found myself worrying about tomorrow, concerned about what I would be doing or needed to get done approximately 12 hours from that very moment I was standing there, living and breathing. It's fascinating to me how I can becoming so disconnected to the world when, at the same time, I feel I am become more in tune with the structure of its society.

All I seem to hear these days is how much school costs, jumping from job to job, trying to graduate "on time", preparing for that internship, sticking to the plan!

The fact is... life isn't something you can plan. God didn't throw us on this earth and say, "Ok, now go get your degree. When I get back, you better have that house on the lake, 2.5 kids, and a dog that doesn't eat your slippers."

I refuse to become a slave to societies quotas! I'm beyond tired of people trying to tell me what I need to do and when I need to do it by. Without even realizing it, I've started to become "functional" in the madness we call a society. It terrifies me to think of all the imagination, inspiration, and individualism we give up as we grow up, not to mention the time we waste planning.

My Puzzle

I wonder how my puzzle will be pieced together. Glimpse's of a bigger picture scattered across the floor and when it's time to assemble the art, how many parts will be missing? How many pieces will not fit, how many will be fabricated or jammed in to fit? Will the task be taken slowly and maturely or rushed to blur any flaws?

There are pieces for miles headed West on that black top home. There are pieces down by the creek with the ole' bamboo fishing pole. They're in dorms, bottles, beds, down Lavaca, outside donut shops, behind liquor stores, and beneath the ever present stars. Some friends hold more pieces than they realize, others have thrown out what I've entrusted to them.

Unless all the pieces are found, can you see the picture clearly? Clear enough? Can the puzzle be solved even if pieces are missing? Will you ever fully see or understand? I hope.

Neutral Becomes Noisy

For the longest time I thought I was doing myself a favor by laying low with opinions of politics, ethics, and other difficult subjects. And for the longest time I have stayed clear of most conflict, until now.

Oddly enough, the conflict doesn't come from anyone but myself. I argue with myself on almost every subject, never coming to a final conclusion. I just end up pissed off and no one to blame it on. I seem to be asking myself more questions and finding less answers. It's like a game of ping-pong that got way out of hand, I've been going back and forth for years.

I was never really asked for MY opinion, most of the time people would just say theirs and look to me, "wouldn't you agree." I'd naively nod my head and shrug my shoulders.

For some reason I don't care or have no reason enough to argue over most subjects. I never saw anything wrong with that about me, now I'm starting to wonder.

Victim

I have been hurt. I have been wounded. The sword was not my own. The sword was not in my hands. I was not armed. I was not a threat. Yet I bleed.

I bled.

I am vindicated of all victim mentalities. Time passes in signs of a scar. I can not hide the mark and I do not boast on it. Stay away and do not speak at me. I now wield the heartbreaking motions as I have seen.

Amateur

Twenty-one years pass and yet I say, "amateur," -- to love, to wisdom, to brotherhood, all the same.

Beginnings never seem to cease and success never to ensue. No experience can take away the pain of the never ending, ever refining love. An owl who knows is an owl who sows into the knowledge of the elder; for those are the ones with experience in beginnings. They perform, they foresee not like magicians but mathematicians, calculating vain with sane.

Oh my brother. I see you over there. I say "hello," but the static noise is too loud, I say "come over," but the people are too proud. Inexperienced, I will continue to love.

infinitus

High

I focus my attention on my mind. I'm falling high. Thoughts cascade down the walls of possibility and stop at my feet. I stand for the nobility and realize I need to chop wood to feed the fire.

Outside is sobering to the unconscious. The ocean blue sky sparkles like fine crystal glasses. Embers join in with the dance to the waves, floating like fireflies high into the sky.

Hunger lies surface deep. Feed the monster, lose humanity. The growls are loud and I am proud. The monster is silenced with baked animals and colorful worms. Milk is the only link from us to them, from them to absurdity.

Mirrors project my past onto me while windows open possibilities to new adventures. But for now I'll go to sleep. I will close my eyes and fall fast into the sky under the mattress. I will sleep high.

Stipulation

It's inevitable, life will always be filled with stipulations.

Don't do this, don't do that. Don't do without this unless you have that. People tend to make life more complicated than it already is.

Secretly Brilliant

Tonight some friends and I went to IHOP and just drank coffee and smoked (well they did the smoking). I started to scribble on a napkin and thought to myself, "I wonder what the most interesting scribbles have consisted of."

Now I know this is a bit of a "stoner" thought but just in its simplest form... genius's scribble. I'd like to see and know, where and what they wrote. It just fascinates me that such brilliant minds at some point just let their visions run wild and careless onto paper. I'd like to see what that looks like. I mean, when I think of scribbling, I think of it as a vision with no form, an idea with no thought, just intimate and far from structure.

Scribbling takes on a whole new persona.

I Thought About What You Said

I've decided to leave it all behind, as a testament. I will still capture these moments in life for history, as you said we are to do, I will just do it with other tools.

I am leaving this behind to show that this is not being done selfishly. It is being done as everyone has a time to move and a time to settle. Inside you will find many hidden and well kept secrets. Some will be secret gardens, others will be limbo. I am who I am.

I have scars and I have beauty marks, all imperfections, all perceived differently. I ask that you listen for a moment. Explore what I have left for you to find. I hope you find much more than what you see.

Wants and Needs

As it is clearly known, wants and needs are broadly different. 

However, sometimes I feel that my wants often become my needs... or at least provide the essentials for my needs. But now that I think of it... what defines a need?

Then - it was food, shelter, and companionship.

Now - not much has changed.

Often times we forget our most crucial needs... which are our mental necessities. We must feel that we are in control of our minds, that we have self-esteem, that we are loved, and that we, both physically and mentally, feel safe.

I really don't know where I'm going with this... but I guess if all those needs are met by something that I want then... I should really get that thing. Ok then, it's settled... I'm getting a motorcycle, iPhone, tattoo, Into the Wild, and Fight Club. Right now in my life, that's all I really feel I need to want.

Drip Drop

Drip drop. Drip drop, but nothing else. No one talks about the other part. Where is the splash, where is the clash, where is the end?

The drip. A birth of uncertainty. Falling into this world with a view of optimism. By nature optimism is all we are offered. A view of green and blue, anything is possible.

The drop. Our possibilities are quickly limited to wind and wear. We control but where our focus is directed, whether our scope is honed in or not is in the hands of destiny.

The splash crash catastrophe. We spend all our time focused on our promises and possibilities of the future. We never really reach a destination of satisfaction, just the end. We don't realize, the future has been staring us dead in the eyes since the beginning, just at a distance.

Our only real promise is the uncertainty throughout it all. When you're uncertain, the possibilities are truly as small or as big as you make them. And that's where you'll find the splash.

These Two Are Not The Same

Not the same as when I first was introduced. Not the same as when I first loved, cared, and belonged.

I am an oddly placed plastic mannequin in the room of two lonely statues. They are grey and brittle. What is to be done of a statue, so familiar, when cracked and shaken? Plastic is only tolerant to so much weight. 

I must leave now but timid to leave such a quiet ruin. Not for its beauty, but for its pain I must let it rest and let time heal the wounds.

An Anniversary

If only. If only it had come. If only we'd of lasted. If only we were wiser.

I could hear the trumpets playing to welcome us in but they were all too distant. I could smell the evergreens on the other side but they were all too faint.

You said I was too young. You doubted my sight of the decades that would soon present themselves to us. The years would become isolated like 1950's commercials had shown for years. Although I was a dreamer, I admit, I saw reality. You just needed to take into consideration that the reality in which I saw was also glazed with a cherry red finish.

You are not a dreamer. You are a Realist. A Realist so explicit that you get lost in the simplicity of  reality. Of the fact that people do live happy together, people do truly love each other once in a while. People do finish their years happy. The band is there to play for them, for us. If only we're their to hear it.

If only.

Insomnia

Night after night, sun light to lamp light, I lay and I stand, neither of which my eyes are closed. I enjoy solitude at times, when I can hear myself.  I enjoy it also when a million thoughts cannot parade my mind. My dreams are a capsule of a much different solitude. If only I could stop this, stop writing, stop thinking. Stop the monotonous cycle of being.

Loosing Myself, Only to be Found

I ran as fast as I could to the adrenaline that pulled me. As fast as I fell, I arose internally. Although I hit walls and went down one way streets, I did not stop. My feet did not stop moving. My life is propelled by the unknown, not by fear. I have no regret. I live to learn and I learn by experience. Experience is how I learned to love.

Sharing

I finally realized why it is that I enjoy blogging. If I am honest with myself, I am living many different lives. I have lived these lives for quite some time. These alternative life styles aren't bad, but I guess it is all in ones perspective. I feel at peace with my life and the decisions I make, however, I know that some of those surrounding me would not agree if they knew exactly how I lived.

It is liberating to know that I have exposed my deepest thoughts into the open. I have, in a sense, tied my secrets to a balloon and set it free. Someone may some day read my inner struggles and might, for a second, sympathize. Sharing human emotions may be all we have in this life.

Most of the time I feel I am protecting them from needless despondency. Other times I challenge myself with a looming thought of self artifice. "With years of evil wear, has my mind given in to the indulgent pleasures of this world?" This is a question I would ask myself at the genesis of my independence. A sense of searching has always been encompassed in me. I just often wonder what the odds are for me to be born into the "right" religion. After the birth of my carte blanche, I felt more real than I ever had before. I felt that my blank piece of paper finally needed color and understood why. This was the start of my discord. I was raised to keep a pure white paper.

As a child I was taught and saw battles of good and evil. I was taught the value of children's eyes and minds, only now to be told that those same eyes and minds are naive. This makes me wonder who is truly naive. How do I know, if I know nothing else?

For now, I will live. For as long as I live, I will love. That is all I know for certain.

Happy New Year

 I have always felt that this night is very critical to be doing something spectacular but after tonight... I feel like it's just another night. A good friend of mine gave me this advise that I found to be quite helpful.

"[New Years] is always built up to be an exciting night, but it really isn't. Normal nights without expectations are more fun so you should just stay at home, save your gas money and make a cake."

Well... my friend was right in my case. When I put too many expectations on this night, it usually ends badly. So I spent this New Year in my home town with friends I grew up with... getting into a little trouble making sparkler bombs and lighting fireworks.

I've never had a "New Year kiss" and I guess I'm going to wait yet another year for that to happen. Hope you all stay safe to live another year.

Happy New Year