Contradistinction of Adoration

Contusion, confusion, no conclusion, a freight train of pain. Love falls like rain, washing away worries, miniscule flurries, like the old stories. It feels impressed and preserved with the seal of years of Clark Gables and fairy tale fables. Til thunder strikes and pikes the spikes of divorce and diverge, of difference and distance. We run like ants, everything to fear, losing everything we hold dear.

I am insane, inane, sick of games. I want you happy, you make me sappy. I want you content, you make me resent. I am deranged, drained, and proclaimed. I am vivacious, audacious, and free. This is what you make me.

Deep Sleep

Sleep falls heavy. Eyes weak and resistance weaker. My mind drains to a declining drip. Traffic of thought and worry fade quickly. The body tingles of urgency to rest. Breathing pulses in the background before the shades close and the show begins. Quiet, dark, alone, and asleep with peace.

Anger

Thrash, smash, break, violate. I hate, I hate, I don't hesitate to throw out, throw away, total dismay. My skin boils the more I sit, I want to hit, kick, grab and stab. I'm pissed off. I'm angry. This is me, not passive, not quiet, not nice, not pleasant. I'm wrong, I'm out of place, I'm not giving a fuck. I'm tired of caring and people starring at the man with good morals. Punched the wall until my knuckles bled, scream until my hearing's dead. Take the bat to the tree and start a destruction spree. Kill the humane, choke the righteous, drown the witty, but most of all show no pity. Weak never worked, I'm always hurt and now I'm angry.

Fireworks in September

Fireworks in September change everything about the season, every previous notion. The colors fill my soul with passion. Explosions of red shimmer, light up the darkness with zeal of love and lust. Orange and yellow flares fly by like spontaneous and sporadic pleasures life often reveals when we least expect. Some are staggering but short lived while others blaze across the sky like the longest shooting star. Dark blue bulbs fire off like cannons of dull ache and longing but quickly dissolve into the heavy black canvas. But with every color, emotion, heart break or heart wake, there is a constant sign of light accompanying. The white lights flood the sky with clarity, purity, and possibility like the intensity and brilliance of ignited magnesium.

Though the lights are passing, this clarity is lasting.

Career (All Bets Off)

There was a time in my life when I thought the only jobs to choose from were firefighters, policemen, and doctors. I think this had something to do with the influence of a Fisher Price toy I was given one Christmas.

Fast-forward a few years and I am overwhelmed with such wide variety of career paths. Living in the time period that I do, I'm given so much choice. It wasn't that long ago when you simply picked up a trade and went with it because it was available. I don't think a lot of Americans realize how dramatically the Industrial Revolution changed our career opportunities, not to mention our entire way of living, but that's a topic for another time.

When I graduated high school I was about seventy percent sure which direction I wanted to head. Film interested me, I loved those pinnacle moments in movies of love, hate, rage, sadness. The deepest of emotion shown almost flawlessly is what attracted me to the medium. My next decision was whether to go to film school or do the four years of college just like everybody else. It boiled down to cost and real life implementation. A four year school would give me a golden ticket called a bachelor, redeemable at any participating job offers. Where as, film school would teach me the "know-how" and tell me to "network". Looking back, I'm still quite confident in my decision to attend a four year school. However, after three years of vigorous studying and "all-nighters", I truly question my career path.

Within one semester I had thought about changing my major to sociology, dance, photography, and even dropping out to attend culinary school. Often times I think about joining the military after college simply for the life experience and traveling. I see two alternate life paths in my mind like a scifi. I wonder how different my life would be if I joined. How different would my perspective become on life and war? The more I experience first hand, the more I am able to relate and understand others.

Whether I become a firefighter, psychologist, or unknown film-maker, I'm just happy to ride the wave of unpredictability.

Summer Weight

I remember as a kid when summer came around and nothing else mattered. Slowly as I grew up, those three carefree months became shorter. I no longer play in the sprinkler, or ride my bike down to the corner store to by Bazooka Bubble Gum and an ice cream Drum Stick. My summers now are filled with flakey jobs, high gas prices, and 100 degree temperatures.

Three days ago I laid flat on my back, looked up at the flaring dark Texas night sky and watched the International Space Station float by like a firefly. The feeling was surreal. I felt gravity holding me back as I reached off the face of the earth, as if one more step would release me, into eternity. My peripheral vision made it feel like I could see the contour of this relatively tiny planet as I looked out into space.

Today I realized that all my childhood adventures were still here. And the troubles of todays summers were present even back then, I just hadn't really focused on them. I was concentrating my attention on the wrong aspects of summer. It wasn't until I, quite literally, laid back and watched the world go-round that I saw what I was missing.

What Will Be, Soon, Will Have Been

Last night I flew the coop. I ignited a fire and furry flew. That which felt inevitable, consumed all good moral and consciousness. The lines were blurred from reality to fiction. And all I can say is... que sera sera.