I don't cry as much now as much as I did when I was younger. I say "younger" instead of "child" because I was a sensitive teenager. I felt a lot of things I'd say most kids my age may not have even thought about. I didn't realize how taboo crying was until I really got to college.
Sometimes I'd lay in bed in my dorm and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It felt like all my tears for that night would come out as one big tear. It'd start from the corner of my eye by my nose and roll... down... my cheek. When if finally reached my lips, it would follow the crease in like a valley. And just when I thought that was going to be it, a second and third tear follow the same salty path the first one took.
Other nights I'd absolve my crying into a shower. The water would mute my tears but I was left with quiet pain at night. I'd lay there for hours wondering if I would ever fall asleep.
There would be days when I'm driving home from school and begin with a grimace. The expression seemed to get stronger as the magnetic emotion came over me. My eyes would bat and my vision would blur from the forming tears. I'd have to wipe my eyes like windshield wipers to see the road.
On some occasions, for no good reason, I would feel like crying. Not just crying, I would feel like bawling.
I cried for the first time in a long time the other day. But it wasn't any more than two or three tears. I feel like my body's built a dam as I've grown up. As if the dam is so full, tears have begun to spill over. I just hope no one's around to see the dam collapse. I don't think they'd understand.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I've been a beaten battered ship along the lonely coast. I've been a weak defense against the things I want most. I've been a hot and heated pot boiling within myself. I've been years of dust collecting on the shelf. I've been words spread thin, dried out in the sun. I've been broken in and forced to run. I've been played like the family piano and trusted just the same. I've been known for nothing and labeled with that name. I've been sick of what I am and how long I've fought. I've been sitting here wondering how long I'll take to rot.